Wednesday, 12 December 2007

Giving up on caring...

After the last few days i've had, i've not been entirely sure what to put here. It's not until now that i've been clear headed enough to write something, even if i am still marginally angry.

So i was in a relationship for the last 5 months....i say was, because i was dropped last week in a very ungainly fashion by the girl i was in love with and would have done anything for because.....she was in love with my best friend all along. Seeing him and thinking 'i dont have a chance' and then seeing my stupid mug and thinking 'but i have with his friend' is rather a short and cruel way of putting it, but you know what, life is cruel and short - so deal with it or stop reading.

You may have guessed i'm still angry. Wouldn't you be?

Anyway, despite this happening, my mate was informed of this by the girl in question and he's been wierded out by it. I'm all 100% A-OK with him, its not his fault, its the girl. In his opinion, he saw her as nothing more than a friend of his and MY girlfriend....he says he's not interested in her in that way so she got all emotional and morose...

I was enough of a nice guy to say 'i dont care, i still want you back' but i was still off the menu because i wasn't him. At least initially. Now i'm persona-non-grata because she has 'other things in her life to deal with, least of all a relationship'. Oh, well that makes everything SOOOO much better, doesnt it?

I hardly think so. I've been cheated. Lied to. I've been taken for a fool again and again and this is where i draw the line. Do i want to still be 'just friends' with this person? I dont know. I'd like to say yes, but after spending 5 months of your life waiting and pining over someone, spending 2 days in a hotel virtually inseparable from one another and getting 90% of the way towards having full blown sex - 'just friends' doesnt wash i'm afraid. Even the 'friends-with-benefits' angle is a little too wierd.

She called me again this evening, on my request, as i thought i stood a chance of getting back together with her and everything working out. From what was said, this is clearly not the case.
To console me further, it was alluded to that i was 'good' in bed and a 'good' kisser. Whoopee. No. Really. That helps a lot. Tell me i'm a good lover and then strip from me everything that makes me want to love anyone ever again.

A valuable lesson has been learned though, from my perspective, and also, i'm putting something into effect as of now: I'm too fucked off, too emotionally drained and too disillusioned to give much of a shit about anyone right now. Friends are fine, i'm talking about another relationship. For the meantime - i dont think i really want to form a relationship with anyone that could potentially hurt me like this again.

If whatever issues need to now be sorted out are so major - then they can't just have cropped up, can they? These must have been rolling around and around for months and yet, nothing was said to me the entire time. If i keep them as a friend, are they going to lie to me again? Are they going to keep important things from me? I can't honestly say. One thing is certain though - she's lost my trust completely. If she ever wants to earn it back, it's going to be HARD.

I'm the sort of person that'll give you a second chance, maybe a third, but if you fuck up after that, sorry, but you're too much of a waste of time and effort.

I'm sure that someone is going to read this and think 'suck it up' - well, try having your heart ripped out through your chest and handed to you with a big 'fuck you' notice stapled to it.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not giving up forever more, just the next few months or so before i bother trying again, and thats only *if* the situation arises, which i actually hope it doesnt.

For the record, i hate kids, marriage and (now, at least) the idea of being subservient to someone else so they can be happy.

Am i bitter? Yes. I have every fucking right to be.
I fucking hate people who lie, especially people that purport to care about you...

Friday, 9 November 2007

Well, i finally did it!

It's been a goal of mine since March, when i upgraded from my Dual Core Opteron 170 to my current Core2Duo E4300, to crank it to 3.2Ghz and have it stable. So far, my attempts have always stopped short of the mark. The most i've been able to get out of it is 2995 Mhz (333Mhz FSB x 9 ). Despite repeated attempts to get it stable at anything more than that, no matter the memory timings, vCore or vMem - it's been a no-go. I could get it to boot into windows at 340Mhz x 9, but again, Orthos would fail after a few seconds.

Recently though, i've re-visited the idea that its the motherboard itself holding me back, and not the CPU. The board i have at the moment, is an Asus P5B-E, a pretty standard enthusiast board, but no-frills in its execution. I bought it when it first came out, so i ended up with the unfortunate 1.1 PCB revision, so i cant increase vMem past 2.1v and vCore is limited, as well as there being no provision for altering the NB voltage. Shame really. The big problem with the board is that it suffers from HORRENDOUS vDroop.

For those of you that dont know what that is, basically, when you set the voltage in the BIOS, say 1.475v, you should end up at that voltage under idle, but load, you'd drop to around 1.46v. I was having to crank up the voltage in the BIOS to 1.5125v to get it to even BOOT at 3.2Ghz previously, but even then, CPU-Z and the BIOS's own hardware monitor reported the CPU at 1.474v. Under load, this dropped to 1.440v and was all over the shop - not exactly stable at all. Orthos did its usual 'BIG RED FAIL!' of course. So this time i scouted XtremeSystems and OCForums and found a mod for the regular P5B board (non 'E') - however, the P5B-E uses the same VRM Chip (ADP3198). Now, there are two ways of modding the board - one involves some pretty delicate soldering to the SMT resistors, one involves an HB pencil. Now, i dont have a soldering iron even REMOTELY fine enough to try the first method - so i went down the pencil route. It's easier to reverse if things go wrong anyway :)

So, i shade over the resistor until the top is almost totally blackened - making sure the pencil line is actually touching the solder on either end. Measured with a DMM, the resistance drops from 144k Ohm to a mere 60k Ohm. Everything got put back together, and i booted at the same settings as before. For a start, the voltage reported in CPU-Z and the BIOS hardware monitor was a LOT higher - a fair whack closer to what the actual value I *set* in the JumperFree Config.

So, i dropped the voltage down to 1.4750v and booted again. To my surprise once more, the system booted, entered windows, load temps had dropped and CPU-Z was reporting 1.464v as the idle vCore. So, i fired up Orthos, expecting it to immediately skitz at me....and it didn't. I'm still running Orthos - and after just over an hour - the load temp is 69*c (a little hot, but then its warm in here), but theres been NO errors. It looks stable!

"So, whats the load voltage?" you might ask. How does 1.456v sound to you? ;)

More testing is in order, i might even be able to drop the voltage a little bit more...

However, in conclusion - WOO and YAY.


Wednesday, 31 October 2007

"Hmm. Upgrades."

It's that time of year yet again. The last time i upgraded, was back in March. That was a big one, too - new CPU, new Motherboard, 2gb DDR2, new Graphics Card and another Hard Disk (i use them up in hours...).

Why have i waited this long? Well, prior to this month, theres been no real reason - the computer has performed flawlessly and run everything i've thrown at it. That is, until the BioShock, The Orange Box and Crysis came out. Well, the Crysis demo is out, and if thats any indication, i'm in serious trouble.

While i can play all three games at the native resolution of my widescreen (1440x900), both need to be tweaked to run adequately. In Half Life 2: Episode 2 / Team Fortress 2 / Portal, it's not as bad as i thought - sure the framerates drop to about 34/35fps in places, but the problem comes when you're in a firefight and the graphics card (currently an ATI Radeon x1950 Pro) cant handle everything. At that point, its like a slideshow. Bearing in mind thats with all the shiny stuff turned up to full, it's actually not that bad i guess.

BioShock also runs 'okay' at native res with most of the details turned on, but there are a lot of places where it lags badly and framerates start to plummet (mainly area's with heavy water effects).

Crysis is another story. It's pretty. VERY pretty. So much 'oooooh!' factor in it, from the water effects, volumetric lighting and day/night cycle through to the physics engine and the fact that you can destroy EVERYTHING! That has trouble even running on Medium with post-processing turned down to Low.

"Why not turn down the details?" you might ask. Well, if i did that, it wouldnt be as much fun as the previous games i've played. And it wouldnt. AA/AF make a load of difference, as does high quality textures. I bought this stuff for *wow factor* and now finally, theres a piece of software that makes my machine BEG for forgiveness. So it's time to do away with the weak, and replace it with the new.

What are my options then? Well, i need a new graphics card for starters. It just so happens that on the 29th, the GeForce 8800GT was released. Perfectly priced, brilliant performance (beats the GTS by shitloads) and i can have one for just $269.99!

With the money i've saved up so far, that gives me a little more money for other stuff as well. Unfortunately, it's not quite enough for a Quad-Core, or even a better Dual-Core (E6600 would be nice...), so i'm investing it in another 2gb memory kit. Takes me to 4gb memory - all perfectly matched sets of 1gb OCZ Gold GX DDR2 DIMM's. 4-4-4-12 timings at 2.0v. Mmmm. Yummy.

Now that still wont allow me to play Crysis at high detail - but it should make it a lot smoother and less of a slideshow at Medium/High settings.

I'm going to get both items from the US though - as i live in rip-off Britain. I'm going to get them through Chelsea, ie - give her the money, she buys them for me and then brings them over with her in her suitcase when she comes to visit me in London. Saves on delivery costs i suppose ;)

Wednesday, 18 July 2007

Losing weight, or is it merely an optical illusion?

think that hitting 25 years of age is beginning to mean something, physically at least.

In the last few days, i've been told by people that i seem to have lost weight. I dont keep track of my weight really, never been all that bothered. I can walk places, i dont wheeze when i walk and i'm generally happy being me.

This afternoon, I had lunch with the squeezably huggable Jennie, and she said that i've lost weight - and a fair amount of it since the last time she saw me a few weeks back, shortly after my birthday.

When i got back from lunch and looking round flats with her, i had a good long look in the mirror and it does seem that i have indeed lost a bit of weight. Not much, a few pounds maybe, but it's all good i guess.

I think one of the reasons for this is i can't eat anywhere near as much stuff as i once could. These days i'm fazed by a chicken caesar salad in a wetherspoons, or the pie i had last night down the fox. I simply cannoy manage large portions anymore. In days of old, i'd be at the burger van outside the Halfords in Enfield and be able to inhale a half pounder with cheese and onions, and still have room for another, or something else. Not so anymore. I had one of those very same burgers on sunday and i struggled to get even halfway through before feeling very full and very bloated.

It's a good thing i guess, it's just surprising how quickly onset it's become. I dont think i've changed my diet much over the last year, although i eat much more in the way of homous and pita bread than i used to, slightly more veg and less red meat (barring the joy of Steak day!).

Not having the use of the Supra has probably been a contributing factor. Before, i'd have driven everywhere, but now, i walk to southgate and palmers green without much thought. Previously, i'd have been in a cold sweat at the idea of not hooning down the road on full boost at 100+mph to get to the sainsburys deli counter before the bbq chicken wings were finished....

Aside from the physical changes, there have been mental changes afoot as well. At least i think there have been.

Has all this been caused just by turning 25, or is it that my outlook on life has been so drastically changed by one chance encounter that i'm willing to entertain idea's that i would have found unsavoury in the past?

Well, i'm still trying to figure that one out, but i'm glad it's happened. Things can only get better from here on out....

Thursday, 5 July 2007


I'm seriously fed up of women judging me by the way i look. Okay, its no secret i'm hardly worthy of being placed on the front cover of GQ magazine, thing is, i am the way i am, i'm not going to change appearance just to fit into the 'accepted norm'. I've been large ever since i was 9, i'm happy as i am.

I have a nice personality, i'm kind, generous and affectionate, yet women taking one look at me and think how horribly different i am from the 'body beautiful' figure that's been drilled into their skulls - and being different has become synonymous with BAD.

It's not bad at all - we're not all clones of each other, we're individuals, we come in ALL SHAPES AND SIZES.

Stop being so fucking perfectionist and searching for something unobtainable - be more realistic in your goals.

I don't go and woo or bother messaging 'super hot' chicks, simply because they'd never be seen with the likes of me (despite the occasional protest to the contrary - come on love, who are you trying to fool?), and cause i have no realistic chance of even saying 'hi' over coffee. Not to say i only woo 'mingers', far from it.

Let me tell you something ladies - you can be attractive without having to be thin. There was a time when voluptuous women were considered preferable to stick figure women - oh how times have changed!

So come on girls - be more realistic in your aspirations and come ask for a cuddle, i'll be more than happy to oblige. Then you get a slice of cake. Aaah sweet bribery...

Saturday, 30 June 2007

The Apple iPhone - the ultimate expression of style over substance...

Been keeping an eye on the tech news lately and all the trendy folk and apple zealots are foaming at the mouth to get a hold of the new 'iPhone'.

After carefully reading all the articles on it, i've come to this conclusion: It's utter bollocks.

Seriously, the technical 'prowess' of it is laughable. Utter, utter crap. It costs you $600 and for that, you get a camera thats worse than what motorola was using 2 years ago, a vendor lock in with AT&T (which means you cant use your OWN sim card or provider of choice), and it's not even 3G capable. Oooh it has wifi. Woohoo. The availability of free, public wifi, or even paid wifi networks outside airports, is very sparse indeed.

My Sony Ericsson K750i is about 18 months to 2 years old, yet it has a better camera on it and can do most of the things the iPhone can - it's got a media player on it, and even has a radio. The camera on it is a decent 2MP jobby with a flash thats capable of autofocus, zoom and video mode. It cost me the equivalent of $200 in a one off payment, on the network of my choosing (O2) and isn't applicable to a vendor lock-in.

Of course, intelligent people will probably have already realised that its mostly hype, but there are still hoardes of stupid people that will go out and buy it based solely on the shiny factor, or because their religion of choice (Steve Jobs-ism) demands that they do so, and evangelise about it until such time as the universe collapses in on itself.

These are the people you cannot win over, even with logic - they're worse than most women. I've seen true geeks won over by the fact that its shiny, despite their knowledge and admittance of its technical crappetry. Oooh i just made a new word...

Anyway, i've found something that pretty much sums up the morons that buy crApple products:

Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Political Upheaval

So, after much consideration i decided to write down, on paper, everything that i think needs to be changed about the UK, in numerous area's. I've pasted it below for you all to see. However, out of all the policies that are outlined, what would you change, or add to the list?

Secondly, if you are from the UK, if a party with policies like this came into being, would you vote for them in the general election?


The Common Sense Party - List of Policies

Law & Order

* Change the Police 'service' back to a Police FORCE
* All legislation that protects criminals and affords them dodges and loopholes to be removed or curtailed
* All legislation that causes excessive bureaucracy and paperwork to be dealt with to be removed or curtailed - officers spend too much time filling in forms than catching scum.
* Drop all Diesel Astra's from the squad car lineup - they're slow. Get Police Package Dodge Chargers in V6 or V8 format - they're less than £15,000 and they're far better than the crap that comes from Luton.
* Require all squad cars to be ARMED with a pump action shotgun
* Officers to be given the option of arming themselves with the FN FiveSeven 5.7mm Sidearm - not a mandatory requirement, but recommended.
* Re-open Police stations, make existing ones 24 hour again with at least minimal staffing of 20 - too many incidents go unreported because theres little more than a telephone and a waiting list on the other end.
* More police patrols in all areas - bring back the beat cops
* Build at least two new maximums security prisons in remote areas away from population (Wales, North Scotland)
* All paedophiles to be given mandatory 25 year sentences at MINIMUM


* Allow teachers to discipline children by allowing them to at least shout at pupils who are disruptive or unruly
* Teach desperately needed life skills such as balancing bills, laundry, household maintainance, cooking etc
* Get rid of the examinations for primary school children
* Scrap GCSE's in their current form - include more relevant content, reduce the amount of coursework, concentrate on examinations more.
* Include more technical and scientific subjects at both A-Level and GCSE, make it a REQUIREMENT rather than an option. *Scrap the current AS/A level system, return to the old style of A levels, in which people chose 3 subjects, 4 at maximum to specialise in, rather than making it a requirement they learn 5 subjects in the 1st year and then specialising in only 3 the following year - AS levels on their own are pointless.
* Longer school day - from 9am to 3:45pm, two breaks one from 10:30am to 11am and another from 12:30pm to 1:30pm
* Require schools to provide extra curricular activities on top of regular class work
* Increase salaries for teachers, add 10% on top for inner city weighting
* Remove the requirement for school uniforms
* Remove state funding from faith schools, if you want your kid to go to a christian school, you pay for it, not the taxpayer.
* Restrict University Entrance to 20% of school leavers - too many kids use University as a dodge, and it subsequently devalues the degree.
* Remove University Tuition fee's - state fund university students tuition.

Economic Policy

* Secede from the European Union - far too much of our taxpayers money is being wasted subsidising foreign farming, when we need to be subsidising our own.
* Give british industry incentives to keep service sector workers in the UK and penalise those that insist on offshoring call-centres to fucking india
* Reduce council tax to a percentage of income, graded according to bands.
* Anyone past retirement age pays only a FIXED amount of £10 per month towards council tax. No more OAP's being jailed for not paying their £2000 bill.
* Restructure the income tax system, again, to a percentage of income, graded according to bands,
* Restructure national insurance by making it ONLY for use in paying for the Pension System and the Health Service. Separate it from other governmental income to ensure that it cannot be used to pay for other things.
* Write off all 3rd World Debts


* Re-nationalise ALL rail systems - bring back British Rail & London Underground - no more price gouging from greedy rail firms. Make it a not-for-profit operation.
* Re-nationalise ALL bus companies for all areas of the country. Make it a not-for profit operation.
* No more outsourcing to private construction companies for maintaince and infrastructure. Bring it back in-house.
* Increase the speed limit to 90mph
* Remove all speed camera's except for built up and urban area's, this includes coppers in laybys with gatso guns.
* Restructure the Road Tax system, cap the amount payable to 50% of current prices, remove the emissions banding system and replace it with three engine size bands - 2 litres or less, 2 litres to 3 litres and 3 litres or more. Remove all concessions for Hybrid vehicles as they are NOT environmentally friendly. Add concessions for biofuel capable vehicles of 10% reduction in cost.
* Scrap ANY plans for road-charging
* Re-introduce rolling exemption of classic cars from Road Tax. Instead of the rolling exemption applying to anything over the age of 25 years, make it applicable to everything over 20 years old.
* Drastically reduce the cost of fuel by reducing the duty to 15p per litre, and only charging VAT on the total cost of the fuel, instead of the current system whereby the duty is ALSO charged VAT in addition to the overall cost.
* Create a government controlled insurance department to provide an alternative to overpriced third party insurers - for THIRD PARTY COVER ONLY.
* Repeal the congestion charge in London and prevent the scheme from being adopted in other cities. People have a reason to be driving around in the city centre, they're not just doing it to be annoying.

Health & Safety

* Put them back into the position of an advisory and regulatory body, remove ALL powers of direct intervention. Too much H&S crap goes on these days, its unnecessary and impinges on personal liberties.


* Close our borders and ship back anyone that enters this country illegally. Refuse requests for asylum unless given a solid reason, ie, flight from religious persecution. We want to take this country back from the economic migrants. Those that wish to enter the UK and work must have a valid and worthwhile skill set, no more casual labourers.

Social Security & Benefits

* Restructure the benefits system to give only 8 weeks of unemployment benefit (at a minimum of £80 a week) for those that are unemployed. Those that still have not found work after 8 weeks will have their benefits reduced by 50% and after a further 8 weeks if they still have not found some form of employment will have their social security removed. They may NOT apply again until after they have gained employment and subsequently been made redundant. No more benefit scroungers and layabouts.
* OAP's given priority housing, minimum benefit payment of £120 per week.


* Instead of offering 100% free care, institute a system similar to that of the french, whereby the state contributes to 80% of the cost of the treatment from national insurance, and require people to take out a health insurance policy for the remaining 20% of the cost. This has the benefit of reducing the monetary burden on the NHS and would deter hypochondriacs and time wasters.
* Restructure the working hours of health profession staff to bank in more time off - healthcare is a stressful and demanding profession.
* Increase pay levels to more accurately reflect the value of the staff
* Reduce the amount of bureaucracy and middle management that occurs in hospitals.
* No more outsourcing of cleaning staff - go back to 'in-house' services that can be properly monitored. Many third party cleaning services skimp on cleaning, which consequently leads to outbreaks of e-coli and MRSA superbugs.


* Upgrade of the Trident SLBM missile system
* Institute measures that reduce our dependance on the United States military for nuclear warfare, including the power systems of ballistic missile submarines.
* Bring back national service for school leavers that aren't going to University, but expand it into all government service branches: Military, Police, Medical (Paramedics), Coastguard, Civil.
* Maintain a more hardline stance towards hostile nations. No more negotiations with countries that take our people hostage - like Iran did not long ago. Example being, if they take our people hostage, we take decisive military action, we dont send in diplomats.
* Increase funding, equipment and manpower to units on the ground that desperately need it.
* Drop the SA-80 assault rifle - too many flaws in the design. Replace with the H&K G36 (5.56mm NATO)

Monday, 25 June 2007

Night Shifts...and stuff.

Could there be anything more annoying than a Night shift? The only good thing about it, is that its quiet. But then after a week of it, you get very bored, very quickly. However, its the kind of bored that means you really dont feel like doing anything to rectify it. If you could be bothered, it would be apathy.

Still, my sleep pattern is totally wonky at the moment, i woke up at 3am this time, which means i'll probably fall asleep about 4pm, but i can't, as i have british gas coming round to put a Radiator back on the wall.

Yes, i know, this flat is falling apart, yes i still have to pay for, doesnt it? Our landlord is such a complete arse that every time you mention a problem with something, such as a rotting window frame, broken toilet seat, gutters uncleared, windows uncleaned etc - he disappears for a few weeks.

This time he 'disappeared' when the problem of the collapsing radiator cropped up, so I talked to the woman who lives downstairs in the other flat he rents out, and magically, when she phoned him, he was 'in'. What an utter bastard.

Thankfully, i haven't got long to go before i get to move out and go somewhere like wales, where the rent is less and the space is more :)

Onto the 'stuff' that was promised in the title....

Have you noticed that MySpace has become internet limbo? All the people seem to have upped and moved to FaceBook. Now i've been on FaceBook since before i was on MySpace, in the days when it was only open to university students and alumnus. Now, it's getting so widespread, that its become the MySpace replacement for many.

There are some good reasons for it really. The layouts are all identical, and low key, so the pages load quickly, theres no embedded flash crap, and only people that are members and within your chosen network (ie, London) can view your profile, so you dont get quite so many randoms popping up, and the spam comments just dont happen.

Obviously MySpace still has some alluring aspects, such as the fact you can indeed customise your profile, although i think this should be limited to people that have a clue what HTML is, and not to use those autogenerated profile views that seem to be quite common.

I wont leave either, i do check both on a regular daily basis as there are some people that either 'dont do myspace' or 'dont do facebook' in my friends list.

The spookiest thing about Facebook however, has to be the presence of at least a half dozen people i used to go to Primary School with. Yep - i havent seen these people for at least 14/15 years and they're almost unrecogniseable, all with jobs, wives and in some cases, kids.

Out of all the people i went to primary school with, i'm thankful i ended up in St. Chris when i did. The local secondary school was shite and i'd have ended up in some dead end job in Tesco's or something. Not to say thats the fate that befell everyone, but it was hardly career central...

Then there are the people i went to St Chris with, some of whom i haven't seen for 7 years. Thanks to both of these sites, i've met up with Richard Lewis, one of my best friends from 6th Form, who is now a Vegan and works at the BBC, and Anil Patel, who is an Estate Agent. Both of them live curiously close to me.

I had the option of attending an informal St Chris reunion the other week, but decided against it - i'll save it all for the proper formal re-union in a week or so.

Jesus, i just remembered, its in less than 2 weeks. Oh dear god....

Thursday, 3 May 2007

Internet Fascism...

Well, it appears that the MPAA and the group behind the AACS content encryption system are none too happy that yet again, their opressive Digital 'Rights' Management system has been bypassed, this time, even faster than it took for DVD's to be cracked.

The big hoo-hah at the moment is over a particular key thats held in memory by all HDDVD players, both software and hardware, which unlocks the content.

This key is:
09 f9 11 02 9d 74 e3 5b d8 41 56 c5 63 56 88 c0

Yep, thats right, i'm reprinting it. Why? Because i'm particularly opposed to organisations and 'special interest groups' telling me what i can and can't do with what i purchase. Say I buy a DVD or HDDVD, according to the MPAA, which is AMERICAN, i'm not allowed to do anything more than watch it. Despite the law stating specifically that i'm allowed to make a backup copy and watch it on whatever device i choose, their arcane and underhanded DRM methods prevent me from doing that.

The more people that go out and BREAK this encryption system, the more the big studio's are going to realise that locking media down is NOT the answer. As an example, EMI recently decided to release its entire media catalogue over iTunes in an UNENCRYPTED format, so you can put it on an iPod, Zune and 3rd Party Media Players, and theres no hassle involved. The more studio's do this, the cheaper it is for us to purchase, and the happier we are.

In any case, the Internet is supposed to be a place free of censorship - i should be allowed to write what i want, whenever i want and not live in fear of having the authorities breaking down my door (not that i live in fear of course, i give a big 'fuck you' to everyone that says i cant do anything).

Go on - take this key, repost it, and show the MPAA that they can collectively kiss your arse.

Monday, 30 April 2007

Getting rid of the deadbeats in my life...

Well today was a turning point for me. Someone that i used to consider a friend for the past 2 and a half years is no longer my friend. To be honest, i dont think they ever were. Instead, they thought they could cheat me, take me for a fool and ultimately fuck me over financially. However, last week i decided to fight back. No beating around the bush, just giving out brutally honest opinions and cold, hard fact.

I got my money back, and ultimately didnt lose anything.

If theres anyone else out there in a similar situation with some deadbeat 'friends' just dump them and move on with your life.

Now all i need to do is move to cardiff :)

Thursday, 26 April 2007

Just what you dont want to hear in the morning...

Seriously, 'I'm walking on sunshine' by Katrina and the Waves came on my playlist rather unexpectedly, and i thought that my GOD what an annoying song. It's going to stay in my head now for weeks to come. Shit.

I instead changed it deliberately to Catch by Kosheen, and it instantly brought back memories of the first year at uni, after the easter break when it was getting hot and the summer ball (back when it was still half decent, apparrently) was coming up fast.

So many things made me grin about those days....

I had a decent sized room with its own sink, my fridge was next to the desk for easy booze access, the view wasnt great, but it was cooler than the other side of the building, thankfully.

I was in ground floor 'C' of Lambeth, with Aly, Amy, Crazy Nick and some big black dude who's name begins with a 'G' that i cant remember right now....

It was also the same time of year i accidentally sliced my hand open on the window by pushing my hand through the glass, the same time of year i got annoyed on a sunday and punched some random indian dude, same time of year i went thermonuclear at the cleaners for being noisy in the mornings....

I wish i could live those days over :(

Monday, 23 April 2007

Tools and their REAL uses...

Thought i'd repost this from its prior home on both SupraMania and the UK Mk3 Supra Forums...

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW '"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

WD40: Deceptive oil-like substance which makes rusting parts rust faster, but smell nice

Thursday, 12 April 2007

So i gave myself a haircut...

...and it doesn't look all that bad. I'm sure i've missed the odd bit here or there, and i know my clippers are in need of some de-stubblisation, but overall, i'm happy with it.

Yes, i've gone back to being a slap-head.

Think of it this way - it's coming up to summer, and my hair was just too long and scruffy, and i can't really afford £15 on getting a hair cut right now, as i've just had to fork out £105.75 for the plumber (kitchen sink taps - long story, dont ask).

Besides, my hair grows fast. Like, chia pet fast. In a month, it'll be long enough to get styled again. Hopefully get it done in time for my birthday too, which is the 27th of May, for anyone that cares....

Thursday, 5 April 2007

I hate fake people...

Recently, i've had a lot of people attempting to add me as a friend, and i've been working flat out hitting the 'deny' button. Why? Well because you're fake. I have no idea who you are, your profiles are either devoid of any useful information that might lead me to think 'yes, this person is cool, i'll add them', or they're just spamming me to go look at some porn site, or they're touting their latest band/clothing line.

For those bands wanting to add me - sod off, i'm very picky about my music, if i like what you have to play, then i'll add YOU - don't pester me.

For those with clothing lines - just fuck off, will you? I have my own unique taste in clothing, and i'm hardly what you'd call a fashionista. I refuse to pay more than £6 for a T-Shirt, so why would i want to buy a pair of diamond studded bell bottoms from you for £20,000? Seriously - get a SHOP and take out an advertisement in the newspaper - STOP BOTHERING ME.

However, all those cute, single girls from 19 to 35 - feel free to add me if you're cuddly ;)

Monday, 26 March 2007

Has anyone got any Cyanide?

Because seriously, thats how bad i feel right now. After having just got over the damn flu, what happens? I get it again, only this time, even worse! YAY! :(

Propped up in bed, i havent slept since yesterday and becky wont be here until the weekend, so i dont have a cuddly nurse to take care of me either....drat!

So, as i was saying, cyanide, anyone?

Friday, 16 March 2007


While walking around morrisons this morning, i noticed something in passing, down the bread aisle of all places. A couple in their late 50's i'd guess, who behaved like the sort of couple you see in the movies, or read about in books, the type of people that are so in love that they even shared the pushing of the trolley.

That one action got me thinking about stuff. Again.

We seem to be living in what i'm calling 'The Throwaway Society', and by that, i mean that everything these days seems to be disposable once we get bored of it, or it no longer becomes useful to us, whether it be an old appliance, or a partner in a relationship. When your telly gets old, despite it still working the same, you just put it out on the pavement to be collected by the bin men, and get a new one. Why? If something works, why replace it with something newer? We're constantly being reminded through the medium of TV adverts of places like Comet and Currys, telling us that all their new appliances are cut in price once more and 'offer only until monday' to make us specifically go out and buy stuff, simply for the sake of buying it.

Even i've fallen into the trap at least once, or very nearly. See, i was walking around Tesco and saw the yellow price tag that denotes a cut price item, underneath a 26" HDTV. Now it wasnt the best telly in the world, but i thought 'wow! only £279?' and very nearly parted with a wad of cash for it, had i not thought about one little thing - i have a computer. With a 1440x900 widescreen monitor, thats higher res than that telly. I download all of my HD content, and don't have Sky Digital HD or Virgin Media HD to plug it into. But the impulse buy section of my brain almost completely took over when i saw the price. Once you think about it logically, you can put the expensive item down, and walk away.

However, i did end up buying an iPod Nano about 2 years ago as an impulse buy - i used it for a grand total of 2 weeks and now i hardly use it - almost a complete waste of £149. I actually prefer silence when i travel or walk anywhere, but i got sucked into buying one. It's very cool, but for me, totally pointless.

The same thing happens with modern relationships - i know, comparing a relationship to a Sony Bravia HD telly is a little...innovative, but go with me on this.

When people find things a bit tough, or they stop getting along for a week or two, the relationship just seems to trail off into oblivion and it ends, usually with both parties blaming each other for the break up. It started in the 80's, and its getting worse and worse. Marriage rates have fallen to their lowest point ever in recent years and although i for one don't really approve of the whole marriage thing, its an indication that more and more people are having increasingly disposable relationships, rather than being intelligent and just sticking with someone through the bad times. It's not going to be good 24 hours a day 7 days a week - that's just not possible, and for most men, would drive us up the fucking wall in no time.

Word of advice people - girls, don't expect guys to be wonderful all the time, we dont expect the same from you, in fact, we EXPECT grief, and when you're nice and happy and sociable all the time...we get freaked!

Guys - don't expect all girls to be just object for you to have sex with - actually take notice of what they have to say, even if you dont really want to listen to it and think it's boring shite - the mere act of listening endows you with qualities that girls generally look for and approve of.

And finally - if bad stuff happens - GET OVER IT! Don't just dump your partner - if its something you really want, make it work!

Oh, and don't get sucked into buying pointless crap from comet.

That is all...

Friday, 2 March 2007

The things that make us men!

For those of you that havent seen this yet, this is a list of just some of the things that make us men:

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

25. CALLING YOUR MATE A C*NT - And punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

Friday, 16 February 2007

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

...and for the next 10 days, is on the Isle of Shite. I mean, Wight. Honestly, it's probably the easiest and most boring job, but its made worse by the fact that i'm going to be on an island just off Portsmouth, thats full of fucking inbreds!

Please, I emplore you, - keep commenting on my blogs, sending me messages and comments to give me something to do!!

See you in 10 days! :(

Wednesday, 14 February 2007

Bollocks to Valentines Day

Despite my earlier emails - no one sent in an application form :(

Bollocks to Valentines day...

Monday, 12 February 2007

Back to University....?

I've been giving this a lot of thought lately, i've actually been considering it since September or so, but recently, theres just been something appealing about going back.

Reading and Cardiff are the ones i've been looking at - both for Engineering programmes. I dont know how feasible this is, but, it's something i'd like to do.

I think the main reason i dumped Middlesex was that i had the wrong idea about the University in the first year, coupled with the fact that the Computing course was fucking boring, and last year, i chose a course that i really wasnt suited to and eventually couldn't be bothered with.

After looking at these alternatives, the campuses at Reading and Cardiff look far better maintained, they have more resources, more students, they're centrally located on ONE campus rather than being spread over a wide area - it's what a University should be.

Middlesex was, in comparison, a bollocks place, and i advise all those that are thinking of going there to reconsider.

Advice, anyone?

Friday, 9 February 2007

Windows Vista - is it worth it?

4 hours ago, i made the conscious choice to install Windows Vista to see how i got on with it. I know theres been a lot of negative press about it, but i thought i'd give it a go anyway and make up my own mind.

The press was right.

It's a very shiny OS now, lots of 'ooh-aaah' factor thrown in, but the underpinnings are just utter crap. Although i've had no problems with applications so far, and the sidebar addition is nice - it's certainly no way worth the price that MS are asking for it, even the 'cheap' versions.

Right now - i have 4 applications open - Firefox, mIRC, Explorer and MSN Messenger. The CPU usage is low enough but the memory - christ almighty. It's using up 2/3rd of my memory JUST for that. I can have twice as many apps open in XP 64-bit without it getting to this point. My hard disks are paging like crazy as well and it's driving me up the wall. As a sysadmin - i'd never recommend this for use on workstations and the server version? Well we'll have to wait until that comes out, but if it's anything like Vista with memory usage and disk paging - stick to Win2k3. Or buy an X-Serve and load OS X Server onto it.

In 4 hours Vista has managed to annoy me. 4 Hours. The 'wow' factor that MS is talking about is there, but its superficial at best, and lasts all of 30 minutes.

Exactly what purpose does Flip3D serve? None! User Account Control? ANNOYING!

Avoid this annoying OS at all costs. Please for the love of god, avoid it.

Thursday, 8 February 2007

Got Snow?

Yes, i realise i'm a little on the late side, posting this now, when all the snow is mostly just slush, but i was asleep all day, and i couldn't be bothered to do it at 5am when it actually happened.

Walking outside in it this morning was amazing, although if i do it again, it certainly WONT be in a dressing gown and a t-shirt. That was just plain silly.

I'm also going to upload the video clip i took.

Thursday, 1 February 2007

My mind is...

...blank. For once, i dont actually have anything to think about. Sheer nothingness fills my head. Well, it DID before i started writing this. More than likely it'll go back to being blank after writing this. Apathy seems to have set in, and in a big way.

About 2 hours or so ago, while i was putting up posters and pictures, i suddenly realised....i actually couldnt give a toss one way or the other whether i have them or not. I might take them all back down again tomorrow - i dunno, I'm just in a funny mood at the moment. Pissed off at everything, yet nothing at the same time. Little things are getting to me like the unpaid and outstanding bills, the fact that i'm not getting paid for two more fucking weeks and the tedious pace of life in the flat.

It's not a bad flat, its cosy, but its starting to wear on me, the whole living here gig. I feel like every little action of mine is being judged, the way i live my life etc. It's perfectly standard paranoia of course, but all the same, I want to get out and go away somewhere for a few weeks, maybe in a fortnight or two when i get paid, i'll go on a weeks break somewhere. Anywhere.

I'm bored of the same surroundings, bored of the same job, bored of being single, the list goes on. Life is dull at the moment. I can see why people become alcoholics when they're stuck in the same position as i'm in.

I'd contemplate getting pissed right now, only i have work in the morning and not turning up due to a hangover wouldnt go down well.

Monday, 29 January 2007

Steve Jobs - The Josef Goebbels of the 21st Century

Now, i'm sure that by now, you've all seen those adverts in myspace and on tv that evangelise the Mac. I'm a little annoyed with them, seeing as they portray PC's as stuffy, unreliable and useless. Now this is utter bollocks. For one thing, the range of games available for Windows based PC's far exceeds the range for the Mac, unless of course you're some uber-geek thats into World of Warcraft and spend all your time and money on collecting virtual items. Secondly, i'm using Windows XP 64-bit and i have precisely NO problems. Granted, i'm more of an advanced user than most, but the fact remains that the OS is for the most part, stable and secure. I never have any problems with it. This particular machine has been up for well over 2 weeks without requiring a single reboot, shutdown, or crtl-alt-delete operation.

The reason why Apple put out these advertisements, is purely to reel in the average joe. If you had a large important company making blanket statements to the tune of 'pc bad, mac good', wouldn't you cave in and buy one?

In the last 12 months, the Mac has had to start using PC hardware to catch up - PC Processors, Memory, Graphics - the only thing that makes a Mac any different from an identically specced PC, is the badge, the fact it has a copy of OS X pre-loaded on it, and the exorbitant price tag. Face it - the only way apple can make money on their computers, is to stick a thumping great price tag on something that's component value is the same as a £399 desktop from Dell.

Where Apple makes its money these days, is from the iPod and iTunes. If it had neither of those, Steve Jobs would be looking for another job right about now...

So just in case you were thinking of going and buying a Mac, don't. You'll waste money, be obsolete sooner than a PC user and people will laugh at you for buying a Dell in a shiny white case.

Saturday, 27 January 2007

Your Mind Makes it Real....

This morning was just odd. I had gone to bed yesterday at around 11pm, which is fast becoming the norm for me. During the night, i had a wierd ass dream in which i had a family and had moved into a 4 storey granite farm building. We lived next door to a racist neighbour who was the stereotypical BNP voter, you know - thick. My fictitious wife and kids were scared of him and his scary wife, so i invited them round for drinks and shot them both. If that wasn't wierd enough, whilst happily burying their fat, bloated and very dead bodies, i twisted my ankle, which was annoying, but the dream carried on in a rather mundane fashion.

When i woke up however, I found that i had indeed, twisted my ankle in the middle of the night. I feel a little like Neo just after that sparring session with Morhpheus....

It's a little spooky if you ask me!

Tuesday, 16 January 2007

Why you should never talk on your phone in the toilet....

So far, today hasn't been a good day. A thumping headache, an incessantly ringing phone and a sore back had turned me into a seething cauldron of rage.

But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump.

I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of sultana bran, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and eating a three bean salad during lunch.

As I was returning home from work (via Sainsbury's of course), my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon.

I completed this task, and as I was walking past the checkout on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the bathroom. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

2.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3.Poo on seat.
4.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a mobile phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be.

Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut.

The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might.

I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude - a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.
The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:

1) The next-door conversation had ceased

2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come
3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, vile stench.

It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate.

This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, that wasn't me *cough*, you could hear that *cough*?"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the seat. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for dear life.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task.

Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "got to go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold your phone and wipe your arse at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the toilet became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water.

That must have been the last straw.

I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the cleaner who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the shitter with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public - and I doubt he'll ever again answer his mobile phone on the bog.

This, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the toilet....

Thursday, 11 January 2007

Pimp my....clothes?

I went out to Wood Green today, mainly to go clothes shopping but also to go somewhere that isnt Palmers Green or Sainsburys. I get to Matalan, get upstairs to the menswear dept....and it was empty. When i say empty, there were two racks of small and medium shirts, and the rest of the floor was empty - totally deserted.

But i'm in Wood Green, the 'Shopping City', so i go and look in Top Man. Nope, nothing in my size. Burton? Playing bad R&B music in there and they seem to sell stuff that seems to cater for pimps. Marks & Spencer? Not bad selection but again, nothing in my size and they wanted £25 for a shirt!! A FUCKING SHIRT!! Come on, who are they kidding? Everyone knows its been stitched together in 40 seconds in some chinese sweatshop for the grand cost of 11p, so why are you trying to pawn off this shoddy excuse for a shirt for £25!?

I carry on my quest for clothing, and finally, theres BHS, which in days of old (er, about 1995), was the last bastion for decent menswear that fits. They had some decent bargains, and even stuff that fitted in some cases, but they still didnt do anything larger than XL, which is unfortunate, cause i usually take XXXL (for those of you currently unaware, i'm a little on the large side).

The one common theme for all of the stores though, is that they sell pimp clothes. There were shirts that were so shiny, you could have used them as an emergency mirror repair on the hubble space telescope. My god! And the sort of colours that clash violently. I suppose they do it so that when you go out on a friday night binge with your mates, girls wont notice that you've been sick all over the front of you - it just adds to the psychadelic madness thats already printed on the shirt.

The thing that really annoyed me about today though, was that nowhere seems to do anything in any remotely large size - even XL was hard to find.

We live in a society that worships thin people. If you're thin, you're A-OK is the general concensus, which is utter bollocks, but people buy into it anyway. This attitude however, does not reflect reality in any way whatsoever. Over the past few years, the average waistline has expanded over and over and over, so these stores know that theres a market for clothes in these sizes, but do they stock them? Nope, they would rather carry on catering for waif thin people that look anorexic and weak and ignore anyone that doesnt conform to society's ideas of the 'acceptable norm'.

It's all bullshit. I'm sick and tired of being treated like a second class citizen because i weigh more than 12 stone (i weigh 19, if you wanted to know). Sure, i dont mind losing a few stone at some point, but i'm damn sure not going to be bullied into it, nor am i going to feel guilty because i don't eat miniscule portions of food that has no flavour.

How long is it going to take before clothing stores stop pandering to the editors of HEAT magazine and other junk magazines that idolize stick insects? How much more discrimination are us larger people going to have to endure before someone snaps and takes out a branch of UniQlo with a semtex vest?

Wednesday, 10 January 2007

I feel like shite...

Yup. Dunno why, i was alright for most of the day, but went for a doze earlier, woke up, felt shitty for seemingly no reason. Now i'm sat here listening to David Bowie, and somehow it seems approprate, although it's only really compunding the feeling of general crapness.

I need a drink. A very, very large drink...

Tuesday, 9 January 2007

Public Apology

This announcement was brought to you by the letters P, O and the number 13.

I hereby formally apologise to Ms Gillian Pryce, henceforth known as gillbo, for being in Glasgow at the same time as her, and not contacting her whilst i was sat in the Travelodge.

I am naughty and must be spanked.

That is all. :)

Wednesday, 3 January 2007

Black Mesa Source

Some of you already know about this modification for Half Life, i sent out an email to a bunch of people a while back. Well, the dev team have updated the site, putting out some new music and screenshots of the last stage of development.

For those that don't know about BMS, basically, its a team that are re-creating the original Half Life in the Source engine from Half Life 2, without the help of Valve. The textures, maps, models are all original, using only the basic design from Half Life. Whereas before, maps in Half Life looked a bit angled and basic thanks to the limitations of computer hardware back in 1997, 10 years later, we now have more at our disposal, and BMS is going to make damn sure to use all of it. HDR is even included on the maps!

I suggest that if you're even remotely interested in computer games, or first person shooters, go and take a look here: