Monday, 26 March 2007

Has anyone got any Cyanide?

Because seriously, thats how bad i feel right now. After having just got over the damn flu, what happens? I get it again, only this time, even worse! YAY! :(

Propped up in bed, i havent slept since yesterday and becky wont be here until the weekend, so i dont have a cuddly nurse to take care of me either....drat!

So, as i was saying, cyanide, anyone?

Friday, 16 March 2007


While walking around morrisons this morning, i noticed something in passing, down the bread aisle of all places. A couple in their late 50's i'd guess, who behaved like the sort of couple you see in the movies, or read about in books, the type of people that are so in love that they even shared the pushing of the trolley.

That one action got me thinking about stuff. Again.

We seem to be living in what i'm calling 'The Throwaway Society', and by that, i mean that everything these days seems to be disposable once we get bored of it, or it no longer becomes useful to us, whether it be an old appliance, or a partner in a relationship. When your telly gets old, despite it still working the same, you just put it out on the pavement to be collected by the bin men, and get a new one. Why? If something works, why replace it with something newer? We're constantly being reminded through the medium of TV adverts of places like Comet and Currys, telling us that all their new appliances are cut in price once more and 'offer only until monday' to make us specifically go out and buy stuff, simply for the sake of buying it.

Even i've fallen into the trap at least once, or very nearly. See, i was walking around Tesco and saw the yellow price tag that denotes a cut price item, underneath a 26" HDTV. Now it wasnt the best telly in the world, but i thought 'wow! only £279?' and very nearly parted with a wad of cash for it, had i not thought about one little thing - i have a computer. With a 1440x900 widescreen monitor, thats higher res than that telly. I download all of my HD content, and don't have Sky Digital HD or Virgin Media HD to plug it into. But the impulse buy section of my brain almost completely took over when i saw the price. Once you think about it logically, you can put the expensive item down, and walk away.

However, i did end up buying an iPod Nano about 2 years ago as an impulse buy - i used it for a grand total of 2 weeks and now i hardly use it - almost a complete waste of £149. I actually prefer silence when i travel or walk anywhere, but i got sucked into buying one. It's very cool, but for me, totally pointless.

The same thing happens with modern relationships - i know, comparing a relationship to a Sony Bravia HD telly is a little...innovative, but go with me on this.

When people find things a bit tough, or they stop getting along for a week or two, the relationship just seems to trail off into oblivion and it ends, usually with both parties blaming each other for the break up. It started in the 80's, and its getting worse and worse. Marriage rates have fallen to their lowest point ever in recent years and although i for one don't really approve of the whole marriage thing, its an indication that more and more people are having increasingly disposable relationships, rather than being intelligent and just sticking with someone through the bad times. It's not going to be good 24 hours a day 7 days a week - that's just not possible, and for most men, would drive us up the fucking wall in no time.

Word of advice people - girls, don't expect guys to be wonderful all the time, we dont expect the same from you, in fact, we EXPECT grief, and when you're nice and happy and sociable all the time...we get freaked!

Guys - don't expect all girls to be just object for you to have sex with - actually take notice of what they have to say, even if you dont really want to listen to it and think it's boring shite - the mere act of listening endows you with qualities that girls generally look for and approve of.

And finally - if bad stuff happens - GET OVER IT! Don't just dump your partner - if its something you really want, make it work!

Oh, and don't get sucked into buying pointless crap from comet.

That is all...

Friday, 2 March 2007

The things that make us men!

For those of you that havent seen this yet, this is a list of just some of the things that make us men:

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

25. CALLING YOUR MATE A C*NT - And punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".