Giving up on caring...

After the last few days i've had, i've not been entirely sure what to put here. It's not until now that i've been clear headed enough to write something, even if i am still marginally angry.

So i was in a relationship for the last 5 months....i say was, because i was dropped last week in a very ungainly fashion by the girl i was in love with and would have done anything for because.....she was in love with my best friend all along. Seeing him and thinking 'i dont have a chance' and then seeing my stupid mug and thinking 'but i have with his friend' is rather a short and cruel way of putting it, but you know what, life is cruel and short - so deal with it or stop reading.

You may have guessed i'm still angry. Wouldn't you be?

Anyway, despite this happening, my mate was informed of this by the girl in question and he's been wierded out by it. I'm all 100% A-OK with him, its not his fault, its the girl. In his opinion, he saw her as nothing more than a friend of his and MY girlfriend....he says he's not interested in her in that way so she got all emotional and morose...

I was enough of a nice guy to say 'i dont care, i still want you back' but i was still off the menu because i wasn't him. At least initially. Now i'm persona-non-grata because she has 'other things in her life to deal with, least of all a relationship'. Oh, well that makes everything SOOOO much better, doesnt it?

I hardly think so. I've been cheated. Lied to. I've been taken for a fool again and again and this is where i draw the line. Do i want to still be 'just friends' with this person? I dont know. I'd like to say yes, but after spending 5 months of your life waiting and pining over someone, spending 2 days in a hotel virtually inseparable from one another and getting 90% of the way towards having full blown sex - 'just friends' doesnt wash i'm afraid. Even the 'friends-with-benefits' angle is a little too wierd.

She called me again this evening, on my request, as i thought i stood a chance of getting back together with her and everything working out. From what was said, this is clearly not the case. To console me further, it was alluded to that i was 'good' in bed and a 'good' kisser. Whoopee. No. Really. That helps a lot. Tell me i'm a good lover and then strip from me everything that makes me want to love anyone ever again.

A valuable lesson has been learned though, from my perspective, and also, i'm putting something into effect as of now: I'm too fucked off, too emotionally drained and too disillusioned to give much of a shit about anyone right now. Friends are fine, i'm talking about another relationship. For the meantime - i dont think i really want to form a relationship with anyone that could potentially hurt me like this again.

If whatever issues need to now be sorted out are so major - then they can't just have cropped up, can they? These must have been rolling around and around for months and yet, nothing was said to me the entire time. If i keep them as a friend, are they going to lie to me again? Are they going to keep important things from me? I can't honestly say. One thing is certain though - she's lost my trust completely. If she ever wants to earn it back, it's going to be HARD.

I'm the sort of person that'll give you a second chance, maybe a third, but if you fuck up after that, sorry, but you're too much of a waste of time and effort.

I'm sure that someone is going to read this and think 'suck it up' - well, try having your heart ripped out through your chest and handed to you with a big 'fuck you' notice stapled to it.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not giving up forever more, just the next few months or so before i bother trying again, and thats only *if* the situation arises, which i actually hope it doesnt.

For the record, i hate kids, marriage and (now, at least) the idea of being subservient to someone else so they can be happy.

Am i bitter? Yes. I have every fucking right to be. I fucking hate people who lie, especially people that purport to care about you...